Associate Professor of Communication and director of MSU’s Family and Communication Relationships Lab Elizabeth Dorrance Hall shares five ways to approach conversations with family over the holidays with emotional health in mind.
Consider your goal
A conversation about politics with family members can be hard and disastrous at times. While considering discussing politics with family, it may be helpful to have your own goals in mind. Is your goal to change minds? Or preserve a harmonious family environment?
If your goal is the latter, consider avoiding the topic and setting a boundary. If you do want to engage in the topic of politics with family here are a few tips:
- Listen to understand and not to respond or judge others.
- Accept the reality that you may never agree. Families may start off with a shared worldview, but people and their beliefs will change over time.
Be honest about the stress you’re under
During the holidays, people tend to have a lot on their minds. This can make it hard to give yourself fully to any conversation.
If someone pushes your buttons when you’re already maxed out on your cognitive load, you’re less able to use what we call ‘cool system emotions,’ where we think more rationally and slowly about our responses. Instead, you might be more reactive to respond.
Talking with others who can relate to your stress may help you relieve some pressure, which can free up space to have a deeper conversation.
Lean into what you have in common
Discuss shared experiences as a way to overcome differences.
Talking with family members about old times and telling stories that make everyone smile and laugh is one way to do this.
Listen and validate
Your entire family isn’t going to agree on current events or politics and chances are someone is going to bring one of these topics up. Instead of listening only to make your next point try to listen to really understand the other person.
If you want to maintain a healthy family relationship, it’s important to not dismiss a viewpoint because you disagree with it.
When listening it is important to validate the other person’s feelings, beliefs and emotions. You can do this by recognizing the reason for their beliefs and asking genuine follow-up questions.
Have an ally
Spending time with family over the holidays can be complex. You can be happy to see them but still feel alone, especially when you don’t share the same beliefs.
To cope with this, find an ally in the family; someone with whom you share similar beliefs and values. Having that one person you can lean on can make the holiday less stressful and overwhelming.